Picking up the Pieces
The crisp October air enveloped me as soon as I got off the plane. I'd hoped that I wouldn’t have to stay too long. I texted my sister Marissa when I landed, and she sent back two thumbs up emojis in reply. I waited within the confines of Terminal 1. Here, the text read, so I trudged, once again, outside. Even for a compact airport such as this one, it was quite packed with lines of cars of loved ones and Uber passengers alike. I found the gray Toyota Camry that she described, and I saw her silky brunette hair through the window. Her eyes peered through the window acknowledging me with a wave.
“How was your flight?” Marissa asked.
I gave a slight nod as I laid my head back on the front seat of her car. “I got some work done, but not a whole lot. “The Wifi was spotty at best on the plane.”
“You do know that time off work means time off right?” She replied.
I gave her a half smile as I put the seat back and tried to relax. It was about a half an hour drive from the airport; we took an exit off the freeway and then another left down a windy dirt road. Another couple of miles of dirt and dust until the bend. Then we took a left and there it was. I gathered my suitcase from the trunk and walked up what used to be a brown wooden porch that was now covered in a thick coat of sky blue paint.
“You removed the side door?” I acknowledged as I reached for the door.
“Oh yea, Dad finally got around to removing it a couple of years ago. It kept getting stuck and wouldn’t open. He also painted the whole backside of the house.” Marissa pointed towards the back. I took a quick look at the handy work my father had done.
“I guess he finally got around to it.” I said.
We headed inside, and Fabian Marissa’s husband and their daughter Bella greeted us in the living room. Bella was sprawled out onto the carpet on the wooden floor with a coloring book. Fabian was on his laptop with a stern look as his glasses penetrated the side of his face.
“We're back.” said Marissa as she took off her coat and placed it on the coat rack right beside the door. Fabian looked up and smiled in acknowledgment and gave Marrisa a hug and a kiss. I gave him a slightly awkward hug and a pat on the back. Bella was right behind him. She walked up to me with the piece of coloring paper tightly in her grasp and showed me the little pony that she was coloring, the purple and yellow standing out most amongst what seemed like all the colors that she could find all beautifully scribbled onto the page. “Is that for Uncle Ennis, Bella?” Marrissa asked. She hesitated at first to give me such a prestigious piece of art. But she ended up deciding that it was for the best.
“I’ll put it in my suitcase and hang it up where everyone can see when I get home, ok?” I grabbed the piece of paper from her hand and showed it to Marissa. “Wow, you may have the next Picasso on your hands, or whatever the female version of that is.” She smirked as she took Bella to the bathroom.
“So are you glad to be back?” Fabian joked.
I tried to humor him but frankly, I was all out of sorts for his dry sense of humor. So I gave him a half-smile and told him I was going to go take a nap before mother or Bobby gets home, cause Lord knows I needed the energy for those two.
I walked up the steps to my old room, and I glanced at one of the pictures on the wall. It was a picture of all of us blasting each other with water guns under the summer sun. The memory of Bobby and I sprayed Marissa with the hose in our front yard coming back to me. It was the summer before 8th grade for me. That day was a scorching 95-degrees. I remembered the air conditioning was on and off that day, another thing that Dad didn’t bother to fix. We were all sprawled out on the floor, too exhausted from the heat to even lift our heads. Then Marissa had the idea that we could play outside with the hose in the front yard. Mother was occupied then, writing what she said was her memoir, demanding peace and quiet. So we figured that she would rather have us outside the house than in.
I was the first to reach the spout and I tried to turn it, but it wouldn’t budge. Then with the help of Bobby who even at seven years old had better strength than most kids his age, collectively we turned the spout, and watched the water begin to fill in the spaces of the hose as it stiffened up. The hose came to life; to us it always looked like a giant green snake just waking up from a nap. I went to the side of the house where we kept the water guns. I opened the green plastic bin and pulled out the three water guns that we had. These guns held up pretty well, considering that we bought them over a year before at the 99 cent store. We drenched the dirt-patched front yard with our guns and the snake-like hose. Bobby found that the hose was a better weapon of choice than the dollar store guns. We had spent the better half of the day spraying the cool water around the yard. Mother had gotten up from her place of peace and brought her Polaroid out that she carried around from time to time; Dad always said it was a waste of time taking pictures as it took away from the moment. He was always a man that lived in the present, trying to forget about the past. But that moment was forever memorialized on that Polaroid picture. It was probably one of the only pictures we had of us together and happy. He had arrived at about six o’clock, and we were still outside. Marrissa made a remark ten minutes before that maybe we should stop before Dad gets home, but I told her not to worry because Mom said it was fine. That was the last time I told either Bobby or Marissa not to worry about Dad. We didn’t hear the rumbling of his truck; it must have been a little quieter that day, or our laughs and giggles must have been a little louder. There was a thunderous clap that cut through our play as we looked behind us at our dad, his white knuckled hands gripping his lunchbox. There was a silence that pervaded the yard, the only sound was the hose pouring out the precious water.
“ What the hell are you doing?” dad asked. We knew better than to answer him right away. I tried to admire the puddled grass, instead of looking at my father’s dark brown eyes. Eventually Marissa was the one who spoke up.
“We didn’t want to disturb Mommy, so we decided to play outside.” I let her speak for the three of us, as Dad seemed to have his temper more or less under control with Marissa. But it didn’t work this time.
“You know damn well, how much that water costs! Who told you, you could use the water, huh.”
“But we didn’t want to disturb Mommy!” Repeated Marissa.
“I don’t give a damn about that, who told you you could use the water?”
Then after a second or two of no response, his nostrils began to flare and the blood began to rise in his face, looking like he was about to burst.
“God dammit tell me!” he said as he walked towards us.
Finally I gave in and spoke up,
“It was me!” My breath escaped me at that very moment, then I regained it and continued. “I thought it was a good idea since Mother didn’t want to be disturbed. It’s a hot day out, and I thought we could use the cool of the water.” Maybe for a second, I thought he would understand, but I was mistaken. He had set down his lunchbox on the hood of the red truck before walking up to us. I looked to the others, and they both were now behind me; although, I don’t remember if I stood in front of them or they stood behind me intentionally.
“So you're saying it’s your mother's fault? Is that right?” I could now smell the poignant stench of beer.
“No. I just thought it would be ok, and she didn’t seem to mind. I'm sorry.”
“Oh, you're sorry now? I guess everything is fixed now? Well “Sorry”, don’t give me back all that water you used now does it?” His stone-cold glare hadn’t moved from me as I remained silent.
“So I guess you make all the rules around here? You're the man around here huh? Well, man to man, how do you plan to pay me back for my water that you took?” He shoved his pointer finger into my sternum, making it stick to my soaked shirt.
“I don’t know. I said I was sorry.” I regretted those words as soon as they left my mouth.
“Well sorry don't pay the bills.” There was a pause, and then he gave Marissa his lunchbox and told her to take Bobby inside. Without a second's delay, she took his hand and the lunchbox and went straight inside.
I couldn’t sit for a week, but all things considered, at least he wasn’t too drunk that time. Those were the worst of whoopings, as he didn’t know when to stop, his arm not knowing the power that it had, stamina, not a cause for concern when one is intoxicated on cheap booze.
I woke up in a heap of sweat, and I looked up around my old room. Even with all the repairs in the house, my old room looked the same. Busted wood flooring, a small crack on the left side of my window was still there from when Bobby threw a rock at it when he was 10. As I gathered myself Bobby announced himself in the farside of the room.
“Hey Ennis. Still able to sleep soundly in this house huh?”There was no denying the physical similarities that existed between Bobby and Dad. No matter how much he hated it, despised it that he looked anything like our father. The slight crook of the nose and the two side dimples that always caught the attention of everyone around them when they smiled. Of course, the messy dark brown hair and dark green eyes . He even had that same cold stare that dad had, which made him seem dangerous. Dad’s eyes had a way that would pierce you, freeze you. Bobby had that same affect, but he would never admit it. “It’s crazy how we are all in the same house together again.”
“Not all of us and I won’t be here long.” Just until after his funeral, I didn’t want to spend any more time there than necessary.
“You know what I mean. It still kind of counts. I mean we are here because of him.” His green eyes surveyed the room as he scoffed at its condition. “ and honestly I had a feeling I would come back to this place eventually.” He turned to me when he said it. His dimples were starting to show as he had a slight smirk on his face. Somewhere not too far down, as it began to swell inside of me, I knew it, too. These chipped floors and sagged walls would find a way to bring us all back again, after a lifetime it seemed. I could tell that between us two, we had gone on to live different lives, trying to cut out everything that took place here in this house, in this town; wipe it away from the surface to the deepest depths of our minds. But it's hard to wash away that much of your life. All the pain and trauma buried into our minds were too deep, at least mine were, but I knew he would say the same, perhaps deeper.
Mother had gotten home before Bobby and was preparing dinner. I guess not just the house was different as Mother wasn’t much of a cook before, but maybe she changed as well after we all left. It was going well once I had gotten downstairs. I smelled an overwhelming amount of onions; she may have put too much in the soup. She tried to go by the recipe book she had next to her on the counter, but mother was always one that thought rules and how to do things were merely suggestions. One cup of onions as the book suggests would not cut it for her as two cups of onions seemed more conducive. I asked for a taste of the soup. Maybe after all these years she had finally learned how to cook. Sadly one taste was I all needed to make a safe assumption that that hadn’t been the case. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but someone had to say something; there was no way I was going to subject us to this.
“You know you don’t have to make dinner for us, we could just go out and get something.” I tried to soften her up with the idea that her cooking was admirable but not necessary. Bobby didn’t say anything, which wasn’t helpful, and Marissa had gone back to her house for something. She lived in the nearest suburb about 20 minute drive from the house. Strangely enough, Fabian chimed in with agreement.
“Yea, Deborah, it’s no trouble for us to go out, in fact I know a place that I could get us in without reservation.” Mother put down the wooden spoon she was clutching and wiped the sweat off her forehead while gripping the edge of the counter. She took a deep breath and gave a hard look at her creation and nodded.
“You're right, it was never going to work.” She paused for a moment. “I just, I just wanted to make something, you know, from the heart. I thought your father would have liked it, but, quite honestly, he wouldn’t have tried an ounce of this soup!” I gave a slight nod. My mother was always a go-getter of sorts. She doesn’t think too much before going for something; she deliberates for about five seconds, and after that it's go time.
Fabian made two calls, one was to the restaurant and the other to Marissa notifying her of the change of plans. Bernardi’s was an Italian restaurant right outside of the city about a 45 minute drive. The owner knew Fabian well as he greeted us minutes after we sat down. He was short and stout, wearing a white slightly stained apron with the restaurant's name embroidered on his left breast. His head glistened with the sweat that was profusely sliding down his face, and he had a napkin to dab his face and head every minute or so. Fabian introduced the rest of us, and the owner greeted each of us with a wide smile.
“Welcome to Bernardi’s,” he bellowed.
Marissa was running a bit late, and I saw Fabian check his phone and look at it with annoyance as we waited for our drinks. There was a sense of stagnant distaste at the table as we were waiting for our drinks. Marissa arrived 10 min later, a restless look on her face. She sat down next to Fabian, gave a quick fading smile and turned to play with Bella.
“ So have you guys ordered yet?” Marissa asked as she tried to wipe the orange juice stain that came on Bella's Shirt.
“ Um no, not yet, they should be coming around any second now.” I said.
“Yea, where is he at? I should run him down.” Nervousness began to overtake him as he got up from his seat.
“No, don't do that, we can wait.” I said. Mother had just gotten back after a long trip from the bathroom.
“Oh my! Did you tell them what I wanted?” She said.
“No, Mom, he hasn’t come back yet,” said Bobby.
“Really? Maybe someone should track him down. We can’t wait here forever!” She looked at Fabian and pointed at him. “Fabian honey, could you run him down for us sweetie?”
Fabian had sat back down but sprung up again. Then Marissa bursted out, “No, don’t you dare get up from that seat again!” Fabian stopped halfway up, not moving an inch. “Mother, he doesn't need to get anyone, we are fine.”
“Marissa, you just got here, we have been waiting for a while now and your mother is starving.” Mother replied.
Marissa looked my way and gave me that look. The look to get involved, to assert myself in this. As if Fabian or Mother would listen to me, but she just needed someone to back her up.
“I think it’s fine, it’s not that big of a deal.” I was starving as well. But that information would not have been good in this situation. Fabian gave a slight frown of disapproval with my discourse. “Listen, let's just be cool and sit here and wait patiently for our server and enjoy the time we have together.” I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth. Together - we haven’t had that in a long time. Fabian was about to interject but the server was making his way towards us, frantically enthusiastic about taking our orders I’m sure.
If you could have believed it, the rest of the night was good. One thing about our family is that once we can find a way to stop arguing we can have a one track mind. We just made small talk and Mother rambled on about the time she went backpacking around the U.S. and how she met Dad. Fabian hadn’t heard the story so she told it in a way only she can, with big obscene gestures and over-the-top dialogue. But as we were leaving the restaurant, a whiff of a familiar strawberry infused perfume caught my senses in the waiting area. No it couldn’t be. We were still close enough to town. I shot a glimpse over to the left and saw her blonde strands resting on the shoulders of her corduroy jacket. Her side dimples in full effect as she was laughing with a group of friends. The gracefulness of her eyes and smile was what made my heart take a different beat. She hadn’t changed, not one bit. I couldn’t go up to her, so I took one last glance and turned away, but evidently it was one glance too much as Mother was right behind me and signaled her over. Thanks Mom. I wanted to be anywhere else, but yet while talking to her I didn’t want to leave.
“I heard about your dad and I wanted to offer my condolences.”
“Thanks.”
“So when did you come back? I hear the funeral is tomorrow.” We had shifted to talking on a bench outside the restaurant. The slight wind pushed her hair in front of her face. She pulled it back.
“I came back earlier this morning actually.” I massaged the side of my head. Trying to balance a good amount of eye contact.
“How was the flight? I know you don’t sleep all that well in vehicles.”
Her eyes met mine as she said that fact. Did she think about me after all this time? No, no way.
“It was alright, all things considered. Although definitely not looking forward to the plane ride back.” If she didn’t think about me I did not do the same. I remembered how she gets headaches if the fan in the room is on too high, or that she gets motion sickness in cars when reading like I did. I guess you just don’t forget things like that, they stay in your head rent free, brought up again in the randomness of nights and when you see them again. We talked for another five minutes as she gave me a quick recap of her life and we went on our way. I didn’t want to invite her to the funeral because I felt that it would be awkward. I watched her go back inside to be with her friends, as I slowly walked back to the car. I had to hitch a ride with Marissa as the others had already left. We didn’t say anything to each other for the majority of the ride as silence was all too familiar in the car - until she brought up what occurred at the restaurant.
“I didn’t mean to act like that, you know. I just, I don’t know, I guess I have just been stressed lately.” She said as she caressed her forehead, the creases formed from the pressure of her hand.
“ I know, something was bound to happen, when we all get together as a….. you know as a family.” I had trouble getting that last word across, which seemed foreign to me. A word that breeds familiarity, closeness, which isn’t something that I would describe our family as.
“I know but I shouldn’t have been all like that, I was late and that was my fault.”
“It’s ok.” I tried to reassure her but the question of her lateness began to pester me until I broke.
“So why were you late? It just seemed like Fabian was on edge the entire time, even before you arrived, like something was irritating him.” She kept her eyes glued to the road for the next 30 seconds or so and her expression didn’t change. I attempted to repeat the question but she cut right through it.
“We are thinking of separating. He has had an affair with one of his coworkers, her name is Angela. He said it’s been going on for months… He just told me, Ennis, like right before we were going to leave for Mom’s…. He is so selfish, but maybe I should have seen this coming.”
So much had been going on in her life that I was unaware. They sent me a picture of Bella when she was born and have sent me a Christmas card every year. Other than that, nothing, but I knew that is what I signed up for. She vented for the rest of the ride, I didn’t realize at first, but we had been going in circles around town stopping at the same stop sign. I didn’t dare to interrupt her, even though her questions were direct.
“Why did he do it, Ennis, why? Why are all men so stupid?” But I knew answering any of the questions would be futile. We got to the house and she told me not to say anything, as she didn’t want to make a big spectacle out of it.
I offered Marissa me and Bobby’s room but she decided to take the living room couch. The couch that Marissa and Fabian bought our parents a couple of years ago. The brown English Roll arm couch offered little comfort for her that night.
I woke up in the morning with a headache that throttled my brain every five seconds. I made my way gingerly down the stairs. Mother was in the kitchen making breakfast, with Bobby at the countertop having a disagreement with Fabian over what can be construed as differing ideologies when it comes to politics. Marissa was outside, cigarette smoke evident in the air around her. I went towards the living room where Bella was playing with her two ponies. No one acknowledged I was there, except Bella who came to show me the hair of one of the ponies and asked me to brush it.
“So was that Caroline you were talking to last night?” Bobby asked, as he turned around in his seat facing me. They must have agreed to pause their conversation. Fabian had headed outside to the porch. So Bobby turned his attention towards me.
“Um, yes it was.” I answered.
“Oh wow that must have been awkward. Especially since someone over here,” as he gestured towards Mom, “Made it impossible to not talk to her.”
“No I mean, it was nice, we just caught up with each other. There was nothing weird about it at all.”
“Sure, whatever you say, I just wouldn’t be bothered to have conversations with one of my past lovers. Like could you imagine if Roselyn was there. Ugh, never bro.” Bobby said as he patted me on the back. He had had a few relationships during his youth. So the probability of meeting past conquests that he used to call it was very high to say the least.
“Did you invite her to the memorial service, Ennis?” Mother said as she whisked the eggs around.
“What, why would I do that? That would seem very weird.” I said.
“Yeah definitely don’t do that Ennis, Mom, why would you invite Caroline to Dad's Funeral?” Bobby said.
“I don’t know, I think it would be nice, Oh I really liked Caroline, Ennis. I do wish you guys would have made it work.” She had stopped whisking and started pouring the eggs onto the pan; it sizzled and popped from the heat of the stove.
“Well, it wasn’t meant to be, we were young and stupid, Mom.”
“Yea well I liked her, more than anyone you or even your brother brought home for that matter.” She gestured toward Bobby with her wooden spoon. Bobby didn’t fight her on her statement. “Anyways, remember, we all need to be ready and in our respective cars at 10. This is your fathers funeral. We can at least be on time for that.” Mother went back to her eggs as Fabian and Marissa came back inside. The energy looked like it had drained from both of their faces even though the day had just begun.
Marissa gave a half smile to me as she headed back up to her room. Fabian sat back down next to Bobby.
“What's going on with you two.” Mother says as she points her spoon at Fabian.
“Oh it’s nothing, I just have a business trip planned right after that I have mentioned to her a million times but she seems to keep forgetting about it.”
Mother looks over at me and lifts her eyes towards the stairs, telling me what to do. I acknowledge it and head upstairs. The stairs bend to my weight and announce myself as I climb up each step. I reach Marrissas old room and gently tap on the door. Hearing no response at first I tap again. This time I heard a faint reply.
“Come in.”
The bright rays of the early morning sun enveloped the room, as I followed the rays towards Marrissa sitting on the floor next to her bed, hands on her face. The sun pointed out strands of her messy pulled back hair.
“You want to talk about it?” I offered as I sat down beside her. No response again.
“Hey you remember when you were like 12 and you had just broken up with your first boyfriend and said you were done with all boys.” She had made that declaration to the family after we got off the bus. She threw down her backpack and jumped onto the table in the living room. Yelling at the top of her lungs, “I am done with boys!”
Marissa lifted up her head slightly from her hands.
“That girl was onto something.”That same small smile from before creeping onto her face. “Devin Sterling, what a piece of work.” Marissa scoffs. “Did you know he has like four kids with three different women.” Devin Sterling, a construction worker who never quite left town. The only time he leaves is for work. Somehow this town has some sort of hold on people, maybe three out of the four kids have something to do with it. Devin Sterling was just another reason why I had to leave.
“You were so sure of yourself, you didn’t even talk to me or Bobby either during that time.” She even went all that time not talking with dad, unless she had to.
“I know I was so sure of myself until Frankie Valentine came along Freshman year of high school.” She rubbed her hands on her gray sweatpants, trying to rub off the tears she held from her face. We sat there for another couple of minutes until she got up and went over to her window
“What am I supposed to do?” Marissa said.
“I don’t know.” I said as I got up and moved towards the bed.
“Do I divorce him, get as far away as possible; God, I would love to do that.” Her breaking point was long past. “But what about Bella, I don’t want to put her through all of that.”
“That's true it would be unfair to put Bella through that. But Marissa,” I got up and put my hand on her shoulder. “You can’t keep going on like this.” She released her gaze from the window and looked at me.
“I know, but this has been going on for a long time, what's a few more years at least till she is in high school or something, when she can understand it.” Tears began again filling her eyes. “How am I supposed to tell that to a child? That Daddy is gone because he doesn’t love mommy anymore, he loves someone else, oh but don’t worry he still loves you.” Marrisa rummages her hair for the answers as she moved towards the bed and lays. “ I just, I can’t put Bella through that, explaining all of that to her.”
“Marrisa you can’t just put this off, for the sake of Bella. What about your feelings, you really want to live with him for that long?” I was trying to find the words but ultimately I had no experience with these sorts of things.
“It's easy for you to say Ennis, to say I should worry about me and just leave him, but in my world it doesn’t work that way.” She sat up now propped up. “Listen this has been going on for a while, even before the affair happened. I felt it, Ennis.” She explained that even before Dad got sick, before she became more prominent in our parents lives. She was dealing with this disconnect between them. “The affair was just confirmation of what I already knew.”
“I’m sorry Marrisa. I didn’t know.”
“How could you, when you just left us all behind. Wanted nothing to do with us.”
I wanted to say something back, but she was right.
“I was the closest one, so naturally I came and helped. Where were you or Bobby, nowhere to be seen.” Her words began to pierce through my long held defenses. “I can’t anymore Ennis, it's like handling two lives. Taking care of Dad and juggling a failing marriage along with my career, I just can't.” She put her head into her palms again.
Mom had called about dad being sick, but I could care less. She said it was cancer but they caught it early, so I felt no need to come back. Bobby made it back at least a couple of times, but never stayed too long. Marrisa was right, how could I have known. The tunnel vision of getting out of this town, away from him, not thinking or caring about what that did to her and Bobby and even my mother.
“I am here now, I am sorry for leaving you guys. I didn’t think about what that meant for you guys.” I put my arm around Marrisa as she lifted her head. “Everything will be fine, I promise.” I never liked promising anything, it made life more manageable that way. But it felt like the right thing to say, and I would do everything in my power to see that promise through.
We had gotten ready and were in our respective cars by 10:30 with the funeral taking place at the Lutheran church down the road. Dad never really believed in God or anything. He thought it was just a social concept made up by people to rationalize that we are not alone. So he never made us go to church. But Mother said he finally decided to give church a try, mainly to get away from her. One of his buddies from work was a devout lutheran and had been trying to get him to go for years. Finally it happened when he showed up and pushed open those double doors and sat himself down in the nearest pew.
Mother opened those same double doors and headed to the front. They had already had the casket brought to the front. There he was forever asleep in a mahogany veneer wood casket. It was the cheapest casket Marrisa could find, and for the price it didn’t look all that bad. Mother and Marissa fought over whether we should have a closed or open casket, but seeing my fathers face it looked like Mother won that argument. I had only been in this church once, with Caroline. She made me go to church a few times during high school. It had that same old church smell. It had five windows on each side of the church. The same white paint throughout the entire church. They had a cross with Jesus nailed to it on their back wall, as if he was watching over us.
The sagging features were still there on my Dad even with all the makeup they put on him to make him look nice. My father wasn’t the handsomest man ever, but he had a way with words. One over my mother when they were 14. Mother said that he took one look at her, and decided to make her his. Mother didn’t like him at first, but she fell under his spell of charm and charisma and they dated for 3 years and got married right out of high school. Mother didn’t want kids right away and my father didn’t fight her on it. Then in a fit of passion she decided when they were 28, that she wasn’t getting any younger and she said to him as soon as he got home that day to, “Put a baby in me.” 7 months and some change and I was born. They stopped for a little while until that same passion came up again. Then the cooldown and another fit of passion. It went Marrisa then Bobby was the last one.
The priest came out of his office and greeted each of us. The funeral was to start at 12. A lunch service to be held at the back of the church, weather permitting. He said Dad’s friend from work, Antonio, was going to give the speech. The reception would start at around twelve depending on how long the service goes on for. We all took our place by the door, each in the blackest formal attire we could find. My Mother had on the same traditional black dress as Marissa. Mother wasn’t a fan of dresses, but with a little convincing she decided to wear one. Bobby and I had on a tailored black suit with a black tie and shoes to match.
Fabian took Bella to their seats. He also had a black suit but a dark gray tie with super polished shoes to match. Bella wore a smaller version of the same dress. Nothing to fancy for most of us, this was a funeral after all. We had to wait a bit for people to start piling in. All of them seemed to come at once. Offering their condolences. I didn’t know dad knew all these people, although with a town this size, it's kind of hard not to know all these people. After what seemed like half of the town said how sorry they were for our loss we took our seats.
The priest was short with his introductory speech and then a tall thin man walked up to the front. He took a look at the picture of my dad to his right before talking.
“Alvin was a simple man, yet his impact in this community was far from it. He has a beautiful wife and three wonderful children who look to carry on the legacy he set forth.” Antonio said.
What a joke, what legacy?
“Whether that be offering to fix whatever needed fixing within or around your house, Alvin will do it. His kindness and generosity to help so many people will always be remembered.”
He seemed to help and fix everything else besides his own family.
“I met Alvin when I started working at Harbors Construction. I had just moved here with my wife Sally and didn’t know anyone. He showed me around and introduced me to such nice people such as yourselves.” He gestured towards the crowd. He went on how at first he didn’t know about this sort of life and living in a small town such as this. But that dad helped him out and was there for him.
“My best memory of Alvin was when he strolled through those double doors on a random Sunday.” He pointed at the doors as if my dad was going to come through them again. “You see I had been trying to get Alvin to come as I myself was a believer, had been all my life and have loved this church from my first Sunday here to now.” I couldn’t hear any of this crap anymore. All of sudden this man moves into town and they become friends and he decides to finally go to church. What the hell is that, huh? I started to tug at my collar as it was feeling too tight around my neck. I looked around and I saw a familiar face at the back aisle seat of the church. It was Caroline. She was wearing a vest over a dress, with white dots patterned towards the bottom of her dress. The crimson lips arched up in response to my onlooking. I gestured back the same smile and turned around. Suddenly the suffocation that my collar was imposing on me, was let go.
“I thank you all for being here in remembrance of this brilliant man and the life that he lived. Thank you.” We all clapped as he walked back to his seat.
Afterwards we were able to go up and pay our respects to him one at a time. Mother went first, who gave him a hug and a huge kiss upon the side of his cheek. Marissa and Fabian with Bella holding Fabian's hand were next. She put her soft hand upon the casket with her head down. She stayed like that for a few seconds before picking her head back up and walking away. Then there was Bobby, he said a few words under a whisper and quickly left. Lastly, of this family, was me. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. What was there to say? Thank you? For what? He seemed to have carried on without us, without me. He seemed to have been better off without me. He should be thanking me! I felt a hotness in my face. I couldn’t do this, not there. Let these people believe in this lie of a man, lying here before us. I just as quickly as Bobby paced off towards the right, following him to the bathroom.
“Could you believe this crap,” said Bobby as he loosened his tie.
“No I couldn’t. Sounds like he was a changed man.” I remarked.
“Bullshit. Whatever man that this people thought they knew, whatever man that's in that casket is not our Dad.” Bobby was leaning over the white marbled sink and had the water running. “I guess it went both ways,”
“What do you mean?”I asked.
“You and I wanted nothing to do with him.” Bobby straightened himself and was looking at me through the mirror. “So he did the same, we wanted nothing to do with him, and as soon as we got out of his life he got better.” He put air quotes around the word better.
“He even found God, so yeah I guess you're right.” I was better off without him and he was better off without me, so I guess it all worked out for both parties.
There was that same familiar silence when I was in the car with Marrisa after she went off on Fabian’s affair. I put my hand on Bobby’s shoulder.
“Listen, just because we left him and he us. That doesn’t mean we should have left Mom and Marrisa, and each other.” I looked at him in those same dark green eyes that I despised looking at when Dad made me look at him when he talked. “I realized now that was a mistake, I shouldn’t have left you guys like that, and for that I am sorry.” I wrapped my arms around him, patting him on the back.
“Yea I guess I kind of did the same. I figured since you left I might as well too.”
“But we're here now and we're back together, that's what matters.” I said.
We made our way to the reception at the back of the church, my eyes were on alert for Caroline. I spotted her already sitting down at an empty table except for an elderly couple.
“Hey, you came.” I said.
“Of course, it would have been rude not to.” Caroline replied.
“Well you didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to, Ennis, to be there for your family, for you.” We didn’t have much in common on the outside. She liked Slow Country, I liked Hip-Hop. She liked IHop, I was more of a Dairy Queen guy. But we didn’t fall in love for outside reasons. She had a kind heart, and was always there for me. She was the main reason for staying in this town, and I had to let her go.
“So is anyone sitting here.” I asked, gesturing towards the empty seat beside her.
“Aren’t you supposed to sit with your family?”
“Oh don’t worry about it, they will be fine.” I sat down and we chatted for a bit until my mom decided to come by. She didn’t realize who I was sitting with.
“Why aren’t you sitting with us Ennis, come over here right….. Oh Caroline how nice it is to see you, so glad you came!” Caroline got up and received a long hug from my mom before sitting back down. Mother didn’t pester me again about sitting somewhere else and as she left she gave both of us a thumbs up.
We caught up more and finished the conversation we had started at the restaurant. I told where I was at with my life. The conversation with her made me forget where I was at. I was back home, at my dad's funeral. Eating hotdogs and coleslaw. I didn’t want the reception to end, but all good things must come to an end. I told her I would be in town until tomorrow and I got up to ask her for coffee tomorrow morning. I never thought I would have wanted to stay any longer than I needed to in this town.
As I walked her back to her car I saw mother sitting on a bench outside, almost everyone had left. I waved Caroline goodbye and headed towards my mom.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked as she scooted over as I sat down next to her.
“Your father was a decent man, you know?”
I shrugged it off but she continued.
“I mean it, I know what you heard from Antonio and from everyone that came of how great of a man he was.” I began to regret sitting down. “Now he wasn’t as great as people were making him up to be.” Mother admitted. She pushed away the side of her hair as a slight breeze began. “But he was a decent man and I wanted you guys to know that, especially you.”
I gave a nod, but my mother didn’t like that response.
“I know he was hard on you, but he did it because he loved you.”
Loved me, are you kidding me? Whatever that man did to us was not based out of love.
“I'm sorry mom, but that is just not true and you know it. I don’t know why you're defending him even now!” I got up from my seat now, with that same hotness coming over my face. “Dad is dead, you don’t have to lie anymore, he is gone!” I stood there over her, not moving. She wasn’t making eye contact, as she sat there as if something else ahead of her had her attention. After a long pause she finally spoke up.
“Fine, your father was a piece of shit. There is that what you want me to say?”
After all this time of telling us that he loves us, he just shows it differently. That he is toughening us up. All the semantics of convincing us that he is preparing us for the big bad world out there. All of that was shit now. No more than just simple words said to simple minded children who didn’t know any better.
“Don’t act like you are all high and mighty. I know you would hate to admit it but you are just like him.”
My hands fell back to my side. The utter incompetence that came out of my mothers mouth shook me to my core. Like him? Never!
“He didn’t want anything to do with us just like you.” She went on.
Self reflection began to take place in me as I started to consider the statement that was made. I couldn’t figure out the words and put them into sentences the more I thought about it. The man I hated the most, was he really the man I ended up becoming? I wrestled with the gut punch that she gave.
“Now he tried to atone for what he has done later on, and honestly I will give him credit for that. But the damage that he had done to this family is not so easily paid for.”Tears began to fill my mothers face as she tried to get out the next few words. “And you weren’t there for us as we had to pick up the pieces.” Flowing like the waterfalls of Niagara, a very consistent stream. “Your brother took after you and left just the same. How dare you do that to our family! To me!” I stayed where I was not sure how I was still standing, motionless. I couldn’t find the strength to move or even sit down. This is how she felt, after all this time. All the anger and resentment that she carried inside her for all those years. Against my dad, against Bobby, against me. I gathered up words to formulate.
“I’m Sorry mother, I know I can’t take back all the time that I missed. I just never understood the gravity of the situation of what me leaving meant for this family.” My hands began to shake, and I felt a drop against my hand. I touch my face trying to stop the tears from flowing. “I was a stupid kid, who just wanted to get away.”
“Away from what?” Mother yelled.
“From this town, from him!” I found the strength again to sit down beside my mother. I paused for a second to gather my thoughts again. “I realize now that leaving was the greatest mistake in my life. I thought I couldn’t have any ties to this town, to him, anymore. I couldn’t take it, I was a coward.” My hands and face were now in the same position as Marrisa’s were in her bedroom. I became the very thing I was trying to get away from.
I finally let it all out, the truth. I thought once I saw this town again, my dad's face again. I would have all of the bad memories come flashing in. All of the things that I wanted to say to him, all the hurt and anger poured out unto his lifeless corpse. But instead I sat there on that bench with no anger and hurt left inside of me. It was like my family was showing me this giant mirror and all I saw in it was that tall muscular pitiful excuse of a man, with those dark green eyes staring at me. I couldn’t shake it, that I am my father's son. For better or worse. But I am much more than that, I am my mothers son. I am a brother as well. I can’t get back all the time I spent trying to sever all of these ties. The time spent trying to forget the past. It’s going to take some time to mend all that has been broken. To pick up the pieces. One thing is for sure, I will never forsake them again.
