Joaquin
Oh, what could’ve been for me if my name was Joaquin. What possibilities to live a different life, not bound to the name Jordan. Free to choose, free to decide on what my life could be with this different name. This is probably more than just wishful thinking, but what would change if my name was different. Everything would change that’s what.
They say your name is the most important distinguisher. I mean it’s only the first thing you introduce to people. Apart from your physical self, for the most part. But putting a name to a face makes human beings understand and be able to connect with you. Everything seems to unlock itself after the name is known. Other things can be accomplished after that. But with a different name comes a different identity more obvious than what’s on your federal identifications i.e. birth certificate. Hopes and dreams change as distinct possibilities open up, for better or for worse. I’m hoping for better; as for one I would have a little more relatability with my Mexican heritage with a name like Joaquin. Although no matter how Hispanic my name is, it can’t save me from the dilution of two generations to the point of zero ability to speak Spanish. Give a big thanks to my moms Catholic school for making that happen. Of course they had no idea what they were doing, but social embarrassment and being the source of ridicule was enough to convince my grandma that Spanish has no place in her house and with her kids.
Anyways back to the dream. The dream of a fresh start, another go at trying to make something of myself. But now I am stuck with the name Jordan. Now I am not saying that it’s a terrible name. Believe it or not I was actually named after Michael Jordan. At first my Dad thought of calling me Michael but felt like Jordan got the point across better. First it was Joaquin thanks to my mom, than it was Michael. But in the end they decided both were not the right fit for me so they land on the name Jordan and the rest is history.
I am sorry “ what could’ve been” me. For not living up to all that was in store for us. I know somewhere out there in an alternate reality, where my mom had a say and decided to go with Joaquin. That you lived out everything our parents and God wanted us to be. That maybe your dad didn’t leave and was there for you. But I know I, Jordan have some time; it’s definitely far from over. I can still live out the plans set out for my life. I know things are just beyond my control. Like my dad deciding not to be in the picture. Or my Grandma not teaching my mom Spanish in fear of what the all white Catholic school people would think. But times a ticking away. What would Joaquin me be doing right now. I would like to think he isn’t taking no for an answer, unless it’s from God. That he is grinding his butt off to be the best he can be. Maybe that will be me someday, for now though everything is blue and I am learning more and more how that is ok. I hope our paths in the end wouldn’t end up being so different after all, as it shall hopefully end in paradise.
